Nine

Dear Angels, Brynleigh and Victoria,

July 25, 2003-January 29, 2004 Such a short time to be with us.

As I think about you and what it means to be a nine year old girl and approaching those years they call the "tween" years, I wonder what kind of nine-year-olds you would be.  Would you sing Justin Bieber songs with me and dance around the living room or roll your eyes at me and groan like your big sister?  Would you like Taylor Swift songs instead or maybe both?  Would you have played with dolls and tea sets?  Dress up? Would you like to read?  Would you be "girly-girls" or a tom-boys or a lovely blend of both like Lilli?  Maybe I would have one of each in you just because you would want to be different from one another.

How would we be celebrating your birthday if you were here?  We'd dance to the Beatles Birthday Song of course!  I suppose I would have to let one of you choose the cake flavor and one of you choose the ice cream flavor.  Maybe we'd just make 2 smaller cakes and have what you both like.  If you were here, I'd buy 2 flavors of ice cream.  Whatever you wanted.  What sorts of gifts would you want?  American Girl Dolls?  Or would you be more into Wii games?

I'd love to talk with you and know what your favorite colors are, what you'd like to be when you grow up.  As I have watched your brothers and sisters grow, I have missed so much about you.  I missed brushing your hair and putting it into piggy-tails, I missed your matching dresses, ruffled socks and pretty shoes. I missed teaching you your ABC's and how to read, singing Jesus Loves Me and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star with you and all the Veggie Tales Songs.  While I was cleaning up after your brother, I even missed the mischief and messes you might have made.

All of this dreaming and wondering has me looking beyond your unique perfect beauty, so intricately woven together into one body and imagining you as something else: whole; independent of one another and that shared body that so hindered you and shortened your life.  It has me imagining you doing all those things you could never do on earth; little things like breathing on your own, rolling over, sitting up, holding your arms up for me to hold you.  

I've longed for those things so often as I've missed you here on earth but also, it makes me long that much more for Heaven, where we'll DANCE!

Until then Brynleigh and Victoria. . . I love you!  

Change

Change is happening everyday and there's always more on the horizon.  Life is fluid and one must be able to ride the ebb and flow of the tide that change brings.  I try to be flexible, to bend and not break, but truthfully:  I HATE CHANGE!

This is not something that should come out of the mouth of someone who's husband serves our country.  Being a military wife is all about change.  It's all about never getting to stick to a schedule because you never know when your husband is going to be around or when he's going to have to pull a 24 hour duty.  It's about the unpredictability of planning for birthdays or anniversaries that inevitably don't work out right because your spouse isn't here.  He's got to train.  He's got a duty. He's got a class. He's in a war.  

Being a military spouse means leaving loved ones behind, sometimes on the other side of the country and never getting to be a part of their day-to-day lives.  It means missing birthday parties and "all girls weekends" with your aunts and the cousins who used to be your best friends.  It means desperately wanting to see your ailing grandparents but not having the money to fly so far with your kids.  

Family celebrations are discussed after they happen and though you want details, only the highlights get relayed.  It means children who don't know their grandparents because time and distance do not permit it.  It means nurturing relationships with family via phone, computer, and email when all you really want is to share the couch or the dinner conversation.   

We make new friends quickly, pouring heart and soul into relationships because they are so essential.  We need people who understand; people who live what we live and do what we do every day.  Then we watch as all those treasured friends move away.  They are gone to the next duty station and we are left with only another number saved to our cell phones and a promise to call often.  Calls come frequently for a while and then only every few weeks as change makes room for new friends.  

We live in a place only long enough to become comfortable, to learn how to find our way around in a new community, which areas to avoid, where to shop, which restaurants have good service, and, if you're us, long enough to establish good medical care and know which hospitals are equipped to handle children.  Then, like reopening an old wound, it's time to start over.  It's time for new schools, new doctors, and new friends who again become like the family that you miss so much "back home."  

The truth is this.  I miss my mom and dad and I mourn the relationship they *should* have with my kids.  I miss my sisters, my brother, my niece and my nephews and all my aunts, uncles and cousins.  I weep for every missed birthday party and thanksgiving and Christmas get-together.  I miss my friends from each prior duty station and those that have moved on.  While I love the people that I've met here, part of me wishes that I'd never met them because I know that too soon I'll have to say goodbye.  

This is how I feel about change.  Yet. . . time marches on and more change is coming.   The man is training and a deployment is in our future.  We will adapt.  We will overcome.  We will bend with the winds of change so that we do not break.  

Tangled

I recently started a new weight loss plan.  I'm doing Ideal Protein  which is basically low carb but with packaged food like Jenny Craig.  I got on the scale this morning to find I'd lost another .8 lbs. I have to think it's too good to be true and I won't keep it up. Weight Watchers usually tells you that you lose more the first week, I'm sure it's the same with this. On a good note though, I wasn't hungry yesterday! I didn't even eat all my required veggies and I still wasn't hungry. I only ate a little over a cup at lunch (instead of the required 2) and only a little over a cup at dinner (instead of the required 2) I have to do better today though. Maybe that has something to do with why I only lost .8 lbs instead of the 1 full pound I lost on Monday and Tuesday.  Yes, I've only been doing this for 3 days and I've lost almost 3 pounds.  Too good to be true?  Maybe.  The jury is still out on that.  

Bad news over here is I'm running out of veggie choices. I am down to very little broccoli at my house, out of asparagus, out of Brussels sprouts. I'm down to just zucchini and yellow squash and peppers and mushrooms. I need to get back to the store. Although, I might have some frozen stuff in the freezer I can pillage. I want cauliflower and kohlrabi but I can't find kohlrabi. It must not be in season yet.   Wait a second! I have a cabbage I can eat too. I just don't want to eat it the WAY I can eat it. I want it the way Ms. Sheryl from church cooks it. Yum. Ms. Sheryl makes the BEST cabbage.  I could eat a whole pot of it.  What is her secret?  BACON GREASE of course!  This is Georgia.  What do I do with it if I can only eat it with salt, pepper and apple cider vinegar?   (insert heavy sigh) 

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  I'm going to be gone most of the day today, which is great!  We've got a tree company out here trimming our personal yard forest and taking out 4 "problem trees" for us.  The whole process makes me nervous, what with people dangling from ropes from pines with chainsaws and such.  Then there's the part about dropping 2 ton trees so close to my house.  I don't mind that I have appointments today.  
  Willow's got a hearing test at 10:30 in Savannah. She failed the one they did last week at school even WITH the hearing aid. She should have near perfect hearing with the BAHA clipped on her head so something isn't right. (of course. . . can anything EVER be right with that child?) I have to stop at that chiropractor's office to get some more Ideal Protein packets for myself. I'm not running low or anything. I just like to save gas and kill 2 birds with one stone while I'm in town.
  
  Matt should be off work at noonish which puts him home by one. I will come home, feed the kids lunch, then Willow has her OT appointment in Richmond Hill at 2:15. I figure the money I spend in gas coming all the way home is still less than it would cost me to feed the kids fast food lunch. YUCK. This afternoon we'll go see the new Titans movie in the theater.  Gotta do something fun on spring break, right?  And Dad's off early too so he can go with us!  YAY!  
  
  In other news, Willow is supposed to be having an "extra" tooth that's hiding up in the roof of her mouth removed in a couple of months.  It's in preparation for getting braces later.   Do you know that we had the same surgery scheduled 3 times in San Antonio and every time, something came up and she couldn't have it done?  Now, for some reason lab work that she had done has revealed that she has a clotting disorder with her blood and caution should be taken with surgeries.  Is God trying to tell me something? 
  

  
  
  I wanted to get the tooth removed for the soul purpose of putting braces on her teeth. But I have to ask myself "why?" 1) You can't see her teeth when she smiles. 2) Her teeth are incredibly hard to keep clean WITHOUT braces. Add metal into her mouth and it will be much worse. 3) The orthodontist didn't guarantee that braces would fix her "underbite" problem. He said that it could only "make it better" Not fix it. 4) The child has a hard enough time breathing as it is. Her orthodontic treatment includes a palate expander and head gear. The head gear to be worn at night. WITH her oxygen? And her bipap mask? Is that even possible? And all of this because I want my child to be "pretty?" Because really, if I'm being honest, that's the biggest reason why I wanted to fix her teeth. Because I don't like the way they look when she does her fake smile in pictures. She looks like a pug and that's sad because she has enough problems as it is without adding crooked teeth.
  
  So, once again I'm tangled.  Emotionally torn over what to do for one of my kids.  Life is so complicated sometimes.  Sometimes I feel just like this:  
  
  
  
  
  Maybe that's why I like this movie so much.  I can totally relate.  
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